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The past bears regrets for each of us. Some deep ones, others just mild or silly ones that we can laugh at. I hold a regret that still remains a secret. A deep, dark and twisted secret that I have sworn will follow me to my grave.
I got married in early 2000. I was 27-years-old and my husband was 30. My first-born came along a year later and my second, after two years. My husband, a catholic from Goa, was in finance and making enough for me to enjoy being a stay-at-home mom. But I remained firm in my decision to continue in my line of real estate. Although the hours were odd and long, and many a times I would only return home after the girls were both already tucked in, I still wasn’t ready to give up my job.
In 2005, after my husband and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary, I felt my marriage fizzing out. Don’t get me wrong, though. My husband *Robert, is one of the most wonderful men I have ever met. Flowers, chocolate, champagne, were little surprises that I would find around the room to brighten my day. However, I was getting a tad bored about the whole family life that had been weaved up to that point. I begin to consider applying for a job overseas to stay for about a year to rid myself of the ‘beautiful family’ pantomime that I was forced to be part of. I thought about it and begin searching and tried to work up the nerve to let the family know my plan. I knew I had to do it. That is, until I met *Raman.
My Achilles heel
The dimpled smile, the deep voice, the mysterious eyes, the chiselled jaw – Raman looked like a walking Greek God. He wanted a condo in upscale Vasant Vihar in Delhi and I went to great lengths to find the one apartment he would be satisfied with. As we met more to see various apartments, I realised two things. 1) He would always meet me earlier so we could grab a cuppa. 2) I made it a point to clear about an hour or 2, before and after any appointment with him. I guess I was subconsciously waiting for him to make a move! He finally settled on a sexy two bedroom. As the necessary papers were being signed, I could not help feeling a pang of jealousy at a conjured image of the lucky witch that would eventually be sharing the pad with him.
Raman and I had opened up to each other in the previous weeks and he had told me in detail about himself. He was 36-years-old. His mother was Lebanese and his father, Indian. He had lived in different parts of England since young. He was posted here from his job over there and had been rather excited about his trip here. His aim in India was to set up his own start up and try to find a companion. I had told him about myself as well, the kind of growing up I had experienced, my school days, etc. But I held back on the whole marriage thing. I didn’t think he had to know about that. I always removed my ring anyway when I met male clients as I seemed to sell better with my ring off!
A week later, I visited Raman to see how well he had settled in. He had prepared a wonderful spread for dinner and as we dined, we spoke about our dreams and desires. As we were having dessert, he took my hand, looked into my eyes and placed something with his other hand in my palm. Looking down, I saw a key. “It’s yours, Rosalyn. I’m not going to force you to move in or anything but I want you to know that you have a place here and if you would even consider it, I’ll be ecstatic,” he whispered. He would be ecstatic?! I was over the moon by the last word of his sentence! But at that moment, the ugly picture of my family crept into my mind. My heart wanted Raman but my stupid sensible mind knew that I had to give up one. And that one could not be my family.
I reached a compromise with Raman. I visited him most weekday evenings but I didn’t stay over. In all form of rarity, I would spend the night with him, giving the excuse to my husband that I was spending the night with one of my girlfriends. Robert was never one to check up on me so I knew I didn’t have to let any of my girlfriends in on this. As much as I tried, I couldn’t get rid of the guilt whenever I saw Robert smiling down on me or giving me a squeeze. To make up for it, I would sleep with him immediately the following night and we went at it like two wild animals. I – out of the guilt. Robert – out of the sheer desire of being with his wife.
After two months, Raman decided to go back home for Christmas and asked me to follow him. I bailed out by lying to him about the big projects that I was involved in. Whilst he was there, shock arrived in the form of a home pregnancy test. I was pregnant. The uncertainty of whose baby it was, grew bigger as the baby grew in me. Raman was due to return a few days after Christmas and I had to make a choice by then. Leave everything and be with him and the new baby or leave him and have the baby as part of the family. As both Robert and Raman, were the same racially, I knew neither would know the truth when the baby was born. I made a decision and changed my handphone number.
It has been two years since the birth of my son, Aiden. As I type this, Aiden plays by my feet and looks up at me with a set of beautifully lashed eyes. The same eyes Raman used to look at me with.
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Oh my God. I thought this only happens in movies.
Only the truth can set you free, no matter how difficult it is.
girl, how is ur relati0onship with ur hubby now? Has it improved?
hi! how do you feel right now? do feel any guilt every second of the day? how do you manage to hide the truth?
To SL.
Hi. My relationship with my husband is a simple line. I’m in it for the children.
To Mitch.
I don’t really have guilt anymore. But I do wander at times how different my life could have been if I opted for Jake instead.
To just_mind_boggled_me.
Sometimes it’s not the fact that it’s the same result but rather the different variables that are used.
Suggestion, leave your children and your husband, and be with your other lover.. Maybe your decent husband can find his true love in that way.
Cos you certainly do not deserve the husband that you have now with all the uncertainties in your desires, you dun even deserve to be a mother of two child, to a decent guy you are very self-absorbed person who is incapable of loving anyone else more then yourself (some guys who ladies like to call jerks are like that, but in this case that would include you too).
Its best you leave your husband, so that decent people can continue living a decent life… For heaven sake do not tell him or your children the truth ever, just leave them for god sake and be with whomever you would like to. Marriages should never be a compromise… for either parties, neither should you use your kids name in vain to live thru the marriage with your husband, “for their sake”, you weren;t motherly when you commited it, neither will be be motherly after commiting it.. You are just with your husband, cos he is a decent nice guy that you can fool around his back, you wouldn’t dare go to Jake, cos you never know, he may be exactly like you. “A Leech”
its funny isnt it.. she’s tired of all those beautiful family that was being forced (??) upon her..and even considered getting rid of the beautiful family pantomime.. but she ended up being with an addition from another man.. i cant quite understand it..its mind boggling…
Gosh. I don’t know what to say. You should firstly go and have your child take a paternity test. It’s not fair if the kid is really jake’s and if he doesnt know abt it. It’s also unfair to ur hubby.
We have no right to judge you, but if the child is Jake’s, then he deserves to know abt it.
Guys, is it the best not to let Jake and the kid to know the truth?
I’m afraid, their life would be miserable if JQ will tell them.
im going for A DECENT GUYS’s suggestion.. i mean JQ doesn’t deserve her husband.. so many nice women looking for a husband like hers and ended with jerks while she has the prize and ended being a jerk.. funny how life turns out to be.. but anyway whatever you do (JQ), if you decide to leave or not, please do not tell your husband, i’d hate it when you’ll decide to set yourself free and tell the truth, as suggested by manny, carry the burden till you die, bitch.
Whichever choice you’ve chosen, just don’t regret about it.
Do you miss him?
Dont you want to know who is Aiden’s biological father? I am sure this will haunt you forever
your a bitch,
in all honestly you took the cowards way out and bailed not only on your heart but also on your husband – the man who has dedicated his life to you and according to you one of the best men you’ve met in your life.
not only that, you’ve bailed out on both of your children, living a lie day to day to cover up your cowardness.
i hope your husband finds out the truth about you.
I think you are being so unfair to the innocent Aiden. If he really is the son, imagine how he would feel when he finds out about his real identity. Imgaine how your poor husband will feel? You said you are still with your husband for the kids but while reading 1st part of your article, it dosent seem you really love your children to stop doing things like staying over, etc. You also said about ‘you ugly family ‘ how ugly is it? you chose it yourself! Is your children ugly? I just think you are a selfish women who just wanna have fun and not really serious about children. No respect from me watsoever. None.
If you’re not happy with the marriage & your role as a mother, LEAVE. Dont drag them along with you! They dont deserve this. You’re just fooling everyone around you and sadly you’re the biggest fool.
b***h
Well, JQ, you say you got married by choice and like your husband. The truth may be you got married for a compromise and like your husband cause he gets you gifts etc. and is a very good man. You dont love your husband and kids from your heart. It is perfectly normal for some women to be like that. I know this cause my wife is like that. She is living with kids for her parents sake and social pressure. Please for heaven’s sake do not ruin the lives of your kids and husband. Tell them and walk out, be with whoever you want to be. What will happen if Raman comes back to you or your husband comes to know about your relationship and the son 10 yrs down?. Are you ready for the consequences? Your kids will suffer a pemanent mental damage. You will have no where to go at that age and your husband will not keep you.
Best of luck!!!!