What to say to parents after a stillbirth

What not to say

'At least you can have another.' A future baby does not replace this one, and for some parents there may not be another.

'It was god's will', 'everything happens for a reason', or 'god needed another angel'. Comforting to the speaker, frequently enraging to the listener.

'At least you didn't bring the baby home' or 'at least you never knew them'. They did know them. They were pregnant with them for months.

'Be strong', 'be strong for your husband', or 'you have to move on now'.

'Maybe it was for the best' or anything implying the baby would have been unwell.

'Was something wrong?' asked as an opening question — it reads as looking for a reason it will not happen to you.

Anything beginning 'at least'. It is the single most reliable marker of a sentence that will not help.

And the worst one: nothing at all, then never mentioning it again.

What to say instead

'I am so sorry. I don't know what to say, and I didn't want to say nothing.' Honest and it lands well.

'I'm here.' Then be there.

Use the baby's name if they have one. Almost nobody does, and for most bereaved parents it is the kindest thing said to them — the fear that it will upset them is almost always misplaced.

'Would you like to tell me about them?' Many parents desperately want to and are given no opening.

'Do you want to talk, or would you rather I just sit here?' Offering both is better than guessing.

And later — which matters more than the first week: 'I was thinking about you today.' 'How are you doing with it now?' Grief lasts far longer than the sympathy usually does.

Remember the dates. The due date, the birth date, the anniversary. One message on those days is remembered for years.

Practical support, and the father

Send food. Handle the relatives. Take the older children for an afternoon. Do the school run. Deal with the people who have not heard.

Do not make them host you. Leave things at the door if that is easier and let them decide whether you come in.

Do not tell other people without asking, and do not post anything.

At work: do not announce it to the team, do not ask when they are trying again, do reduce the load quietly, and let them decide what to say.

Ask the father how he is, about himself rather than only about his wife. He will almost certainly not have been asked by anyone, and this one question is remembered.

If there are other children, offer the kind of help that gives the parents an hour: a lift, a meal, an afternoon out.

And keep showing up after the first fortnight, when everyone else has gone back to normal and the family has not.

Frequently asked questions

Q: Will saying the baby's name upset them? — Almost always the opposite. They have not forgotten. Hearing the name from someone else is often a relief.

Q: Should I visit or give them space? — Ask. 'Would you like company or space this week?' and then respect the answer, including if it changes.

Q: I am pregnant and my friend has just lost a baby. — Tell her privately, in a message so she can react alone, and say plainly that you understand if she needs distance. Most friendships survive this when handled with that much care.

Q: It has been six months and they still seem to be grieving. — That is entirely normal. Many parents describe the second year as harder than the first because everyone else has moved on.