Helping preschoolers sort out fights with friends

How much to step in

Step in immediately for anything physical, for a big power imbalance, or when one child is distressed and not coping. Everything else can be slowed down rather than solved.

Constant refereeing teaches children that adults settle disputes, and it rewards whoever complains first. Standing close, saying little, and letting them work at it teaches something they will use for life.

At three and four, expect to be involved most times. By five and six, expect to be needed much less.

The four steps

One: stop and separate if needed, calmly, and get down to their level. 'Stop. I am here.'

Two: describe what you see without blaming. 'Two children, one truck, and both of you are upset.' This alone defuses a surprising number of fights, because both children feel seen.

Three: let each say what happened, one at a time, and repeat it back. Do not investigate who started it — you will get two convincing versions and reward the better talker.

Four: ask them for solutions. 'What can we do?' Children propose surprisingly workable answers — take turns, both play, find another one — and a solution they invented is one they will actually follow.

If they cannot, offer two options and let them pick. Then step back.

The words to give them

'My turn next.' 'I don't like that.' 'Stop, please.' 'Can I have it when you finish?' 'I want to play too.'

Rehearse these at calm moments, not during a fight. A child in the middle of a conflict cannot learn a new phrase; a child who practised it yesterday can use it.

Teach the loud clear 'STOP' for anything physical, and teach that going to an adult after saying it is the right move rather than telling tales.

And teach repair rather than the word sorry: bring the toy back, help rebuild the tower, check whether the other child is all right. A forced apology teaches performance; a repair teaches responsibility.

Frequently asked questions

Q: My child always gives in and the other child takes everything. — Practise the phrases at home, shadow at playdates and back her up in the moment: 'she was still using that.' Children who are always the one who yields need adult support before they can hold their own.

Q: My child is the aggressive one. — Supervise closely, intervene early rather than after, and work on the words. See our hitting-and-biting guide; at this age it is a communication gap rather than a character problem.

Q: Should I make them say sorry? — Better to help them repair. A forced sorry usually means nothing to either child.

Q: The other parent does not intervene at all. — Manage your own child, keep the visits short, and choose playdates that work. You cannot parent someone else's child, and you can leave.