25 questions to ask instead of 'how was school?'

Why the usual question fails

'How was school' asks a child to summarise seven hours into one word, at the moment they are hungriest and most tired. 'Fine' is a reasonable answer to an unreasonable question.

Specific, small and slightly odd questions work better, because they give the child something concrete to reach for.

Timing matters as much as wording. Most children talk while doing something else — in the car, on a walk, at bedtime with the lights off, while you cook. Face-to-face interrogation at the door produces nothing.

The questions (1-25)

1. What made you laugh today? 2. Who did you sit with at lunch? 3. What was the best thing that happened? 4. What was the most annoying thing? 5. Did anyone do anything kind?

6. What did your teacher say that you remember? 7. If you could change one thing about today, what would it be? 8. Who did you play with at break? 9. What was hard today? 10. Did anyone get into trouble, and what for?

11. What is something you learnt that you did not know yesterday? 12. Who would you like to sit next to next term? 13. Was there a moment you felt proud? 14. Did anyone seem sad today? 15. What was the loudest part of the day?

16. If you were the teacher, what would you have done differently? 17. What did you eat first from your tiffin? 18. Which subject went fastest today? 19. Did you help anyone, or did anyone help you? 20. What are you looking forward to tomorrow?

21. Was there anything unfair today? 22. What is the funniest thing anyone in your class says? 23. If you could invite one classmate home, who would it be? 24. What was the quietest moment of the day? 25. Is there anything you wanted to tell me and forgot?

How to listen so they keep talking

Do not react strongly to the first difficult thing they tell you. A child weighs up your reaction before deciding what to say next, and an explosion about a bad mark or a fight ends the conversation for a month.

Do not turn every answer into a lesson. If every story about a friend produces advice, the stories stop.

Ask one or two questions, not twenty-five. This is a list to choose from, not an interrogation schedule.

Let silence sit. Children often answer several seconds after an adult has given up and moved on.

And share something of your own day first — a mistake, an annoyance, something funny. Conversation is modelled rather than extracted.

Frequently asked questions

Q: My child says 'I don't remember' to everything. — Try questions about other people rather than themselves — who was funny, who got into trouble — which are easier to answer and usually lead back.

Q: When is the best time to ask? — Not at the door. After a snack, during a walk or drive, or at bedtime. Many children talk most at the moment you are trying to leave the room at night; it is worth staying.

Q: My teenager tells me nothing. — Reduce the questions and increase the availability: drives, late evenings, doing something side by side. Teenagers talk when they are not being looked at.

Q: He only complains. — Let him, without fixing it immediately. A child who is allowed to complain to you keeps telling you things, and the complaints usually contain the useful information.